Steve's F

Steve's F

Saturday, 1 December 2012

When is enough enough?

Lots of noise and static recently about personal issues being written about and people's perceived right to privacy in their personal affairs.

Tuesday,  at Fredericks in Islington, an event  hosted Financial Mail Women's Forum, a Daily Mail initiative to bring together senior business women, by the fragrant  Lisa Buckingham, editor of the Financial Mail . The event was sponsored by Fiona Cannon, head of diversity at Lloyds Bank and two serving prisoners were awarded  one thousand pounds in recognition of their brilliant business idea, with support from leading businesswomen, an account with Lloyds TSB  (stay away from that one girls, recipe for disaster) and mentoring to make their idea a reality. The runner up was awarded 500 pounds.

It was an interesting night. The Mail on Sunday's  Angella Johnson seems to have carved a career peddling vitriol about me and others and I have avoided anything to do with them recently  but I am impressed by Lisa's commitment to help ex offenders (particularly as she got funding from Halifax and Lloyds, not easy, Lloyds is a terrible business bank they don't understand social enterprise) to create a newspaper for women in prison, Financial Freedom.
Fiona Cannon from Lloyds TSB and Lisa Buckingham from the Financial Mail



Here's the piece they wrote about Kazuri in the paper she edits. I feel grateful and blessed to have the support  I have which lead Kazuri to grow and flourish.


People ask if I regret my past. People I care about and am involved with. I don't. The past has made me who I am and resilient and also able to identify when something good goes bad or when I am operating in a way that isn't aligned with my own purpose. A recent love affair brought out the best and the worst in me, but I was being written about.  I am  quite private and I  treasure my privacy,  and it was one of only two rules we established at the beginning of our relationship. Suddenly I found myself being ridiculed because he can't hold a straight argument, being accused of portraying myself as a victim ( I don't see myself as a victim of anyone or anything and certainly not him), being lied  to about whether drugs came from a Spectator party or afterwards.  He accused me of being vulnerable, which I think is my greatest strength as a human being. Then because I wanted him to attend an event which marked the most important achievement of my life so far, I was "being like man and wife." No, Jeremy, that is what being in a relationship entails. Or is it just one way traffic for you to accumulate more column fodder?

This final intrusion  crossed the Rubicon of acceptable  boundaries  for me. I have written to Mary Wakefield his editor at the Speccie to say I will sue if there is anything further written about me, indirectly or not. I don't give my consent to be violated and humiliated by him trading  and commercializing on his intimacies. He's done it for years about his girlfriends, present and past but he didn't like it much when it was unforgivingly  done to him. Revenge is best served brilliantly written with a powerful headline.  In the wake of Leveson, we live in interesting times.

Jeremy Clarke aka Low Life


I learned a lot, he's  well read and perhaps, deep down and in spite of himself, a most gentle and noble man. However,  I  felt like I was drizzling sadness inside, as women we put up with so much crap we shouldn't have to. Because he couldn't come up with a decent retort or excuse, he calls me names. I'm stupid, ridiculous, going a bit mad, am I feeling ok, am I on some self destruct Kamikaze mission? Two glasses of champagne? I'm turning into an alcoholic.  My friends are horrible because they tried to protect me from his self destruction,  I am vicious.

No, I am exhausted by putting emotional energy into a place where there is neither resistance or acceptance, just a dead space. He says, quite clearly and to anyone who will listen that he doesn't want to be loved or to love a woman. But he lures women in with the cottage, roses by the garden gate and white picket fence fantasy. Straight from  Hans Christian Anderson. I don't want to be that princess anymore. It hurts too much.

He's used to treating women badly, he gets away with it. The last, the mistress of a rich retailer,  he proposed to after just five weeks and three dates. When she realized he had no money she ditched him , after he had bought a luxury king size bed and paid the fee at  the  registry office.  Another, an ex colleague from the Spectator who he messed about for six years warned me about his fatal charm, his inability to connect and how she felt like his local London B+B when he needed somewhere to sleep when he was up from Devon. She asked him for a baby. She didn't hear from him again. I don't need the money and I certainly don't want anymore babies.  I saw and tried to bring out the best in him but when a person doesn't value themselves, how do they connect with the concept of valuing anyone else?

So, as they say in America, it's been real. He says let's stay friends but I don't  know how. He doesn't have friends, he has people he goes and gets drunk / drugged with. I know that life, I used to think it was cool. I grew up. Friends don't treat each other the way he has treated me.

I've noticed recently, that the  older I get the more my desire to punish myself recedes.

UPDATE:
Feeling so much better. Like I cleared a pile of doggy mess and chaos out of my life. Much more focused and a strengthened resolve to make some things I have been dreaming about happen,  sucha s the women's resilience centre and a partnership with a multinational , two have been sniffing around.  These "too big to fails" are not going anywhere. As I said, we live in interesting times.

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