Thursday, 8 August 2013

Human behaviour

Rule Number One: write it all down.

"Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you."
JD Salinger

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Thinking the unthinkable

Reading Foucault on the pathology of mental health practitioners and psychologists to categorise, brand and define the criminal mind.

Why do we need an offender to take part in the chorus of disappointment and disapproval against him, so society can vindicate our condemnation and feel righteous?

Why do I think by making you "bad" I can be better and can we get off the weighing scales please.

A man told me he had a dream about sexually violating his daughter.  It was at a time of great instability for them both, he had removed her from the care of her alcoholic mother. I am disturbed by the image, I'm shocked he would tell me. I was abused by someone at that age. Do men have such dreams?

Two weeks later I'm on the underground heading south to pick up my daughter who's at a friend's. She's 11, hyper cool and fresh faced. I'm on the train with another man, someone whose stable influence on my life can be measured.  He defends some of the most outrageous allegations of crimes against children committed by those who are meant to protect them and look after them.

I tell my friend, who in spite of his middle class upbringing, loved by his parents and his career as a top criminal QC, is disgusted.

"That's very revealing. What was he trying to tell you? You know this is far too dangerous."

I am a bad picker of men he adds.

"No man dreams of that," his cool green gaze tells me what I know.

Who am I to judge another's pathology?

Monday, 5 August 2013

First light and fading

Summer peaks, teeters on the pinnacle of full blown beauty.
I always did love the moment just before the bloom turns, a kiss from the rose on the vine.
Its Light exudes a chalky glow and reminiscences of what was.
And what might be again.
Sometimes letting go is all it should be.
All a woman wants is someone who fits the curve of her soul.  A place where noise and traffic and expectations are excluded.
Who can love her so she can feel it not how he needs to.

 So she like the rose can bask in beauty and exhale.
Saturday. Turbulence. I ask a man who used to love me if he could love me again.
His answer is a word.
And sometimes knowing is just enough.
Photo: somewhere in Ilford by my clever Uncle Barry who makes me read books.