Friday, 27 December 2013

the shape of my heart

This is what love looks like.
Rebuilding broken bridges and seeing things shift which I didn't even dare to dream about.

Truly the best and much, much brighter than me, my sun and my moon.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Daniel's swansong

And so the end of an affair, and the same questions about why I make appalling choices.  In reality this ended ages ago, but there was still something about his pale blue eyes and how they twinkled when he laughed and how we each came alive, when with each other. I don't mean only sexually.

Sometimes, not often, maybe 3,  I've met a man I thought I could love. There have been others whom I thought I did but the infatuation passes. Or I did indeed love but not in a grown up whole hearted way. Then when they think they have nicely caged my beast and she won't run away or need feeding, or fucking or watering, they flirt with my best friend. They start treating me like a caged bird, rudeness replaces tenderness. The roughness around the edges becomes a cheesegrater to my emotions.

Apologies are thrown about like toffee. It's already too late. My heart turns to stone with finality.

 The lies start. The trying to make me jealous with butch Lesbian rugby players begins, when he accidentally on purpose leaves her picture open on his iPhone. Only he doesn't tell me she's gay. But I don't care. I'm not sexually jealous.

Then something in me recoils, I don't want to be caged. And I certainly don't put wedding rings or GPS satellites on anyone. Freedom to roam is integral, privacy is part of that. Then I realise we're just part of a tsunami of his incoming, that he needs constant distraction and avoidance to stop feeling the cancer of hypocrisy and lies his entire life is cloaked in.  And you (I) became part of that. Unwittingly we are the lie, love vanishes like the delicate crushed violet scent of a fragrant candle lingering the next day. It's just a memory and I crave it and stay, in spite of rudeness,  callousness and blurring all the boundaries between what I know and who I see, this insecure inadequacy standing in front of you.

Then love and desire turn to contempt swiftly, like milk left out over night. When my best friend says "You've been used," the truth slaps me hard in the face. Yes, that is what it was.

Actually I got to a place of resignation in myself, that I had the courage and saw this man's greatness, where perhaps none existed, because there was a gap or perhaps he projected something I think I lack, just for a moment. I stepped into the gap and allowed the vision to become real. But he never could own the reality, he couldn't live up to whatever reflected glory he aspired, I aspired him to.

How glad I am that I got out now, sent him back to his big, fake, God schmearing life, Kermit the frog and mewling family, now and not later.

Affairs. Remind me, not to have them anymore.


Tuesday, 24 December 2013

and so your sleeve got stained, cos you wore your heart on your sleeve. so Sing!

M: If I'm weird what are you because you are my mother therefore you must also be wird also weird people don't know they're weird and I knoe im weird isnt that weird?

F: Don't be horrid to me.
Is Friday good for lunch?  I'd like to see you and am going to Paris before you.  X

M: You know that painting with the translation of 'This Is Not a Pipe'?
Okay, that sounds cool. (Because it's December and cold?!)

F: What sounds cool sweetypops?  Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
Renee Magritte
Surrealist. French.  Where shall we go for lunch? Tryna book train. Don't be horrible. I have had to end sthng with smne I care about and I feel really sad.

M: Do you want to talk about it?

F: No. Too sad right now. Manchester 3pm? X

M: And sure you're sad now. But remember a time when you where purely happy? You'll feel like that again. But you'll also feel sad again. But the women you work with also feel sad yet they'll be happy soon. And one day you'll find a reason to be smile and cry at the same time and that's when you'll feel infinite. And it's a New Year a new start,  a new smile and a new life, right?
 I'm really bad at making people happy. Mostly because the language I speak is Obnoxious Awkwardalite.

F: YOU always make me happy. Nutter. X

M: Did you get the card + painting? It's really bad and looks like a seven year old swallowed Christmas and vomited all over a poor, innocent canvas. And why a partridge and pear tree? Why not a drunk aunt and cake crumb?

Nuts are delicious and very, VERY good for your health. ;)

F: He's an amazing incredible guy. Just confused and trapped in a yukky world.

M: Yes, well you're an incredible woman who helps people, nobody, not even the goverment will help! What goes around comes around. Someone will help you be happy, next year.
Joke No. 2 though might as well be No. 1. Wanna hear a joke?! The Government. Duh duh sche (awkward drumroll from someone who doesn't know anything about music... so Justin Bieber.)

F: Euww. Gimme Robbie.

M: But I'll be there at 3:30. And oh so you are also tired?  *crying at how lame drumroll* Ma will give me the gift of moving while sitting. AKA: car. So what you doing tonight? And why sad? You don't do love and men, remember? You must be tired. Early night!

F: Missed dinner gonna catch up with friends soon.
Carols at midnight (11pm for oldies really) with a really good friend. And another one and his gorgeous 12 yo girlie. Not as gorgeous  as you of course.
Not sad.
Not tired.
A bit low.
I really liked him.
Proper love.
Not just sex and fun like Jeremy.

M: Ask Izzy if she believes in the Bee Apocalypse because that's how you judge a person. If she transforms your life life Optomis Prime,  and gives you an answer as beautiful as Hayley Williams, then keep her. In a honeypot because Izzy rhymes with Busy. And bees are busy. And bees like honey. Mmm. And sing your heart out so your sleeve is stained because you wore your heart on your sleeve. And sing like you're in the shower because thats when you sing best.

F: WHAT are you on Reenz? Must finish hoovering.  Got a bunch of my waifs and strays coming for lunch 2moro. X

M: Oh and Happy unChristmas. I'm so original.

F: G'nite, my heart. X

M: *WET*